New Do-it-yourself Opportunities. SAVE BIG!

Do-it-yourself is shaping up to be the trend of the century. There was a time when human tellers did your bank transactions for you. Now you punch the keys of an ATM yourself. Remember gas station attendants? Now you put the nozzle into the gas tank yourself. Secretaries? Stop dreaming and keep working on that spreadsheet! Cashiers? Oh, PULease, that’s so 20^th century. Bring on more automatic check-outs.

But my title promises: SAVE BIG. Where are the savings, you ask? Oh, you thought YOU were going to save big. No, I was talking about the banks, the gas stations, and the big box stores.

But this do-it-yourself/automation trend will put a lot of people out of work, you say. Maybe so, but don’t you understand? Do-it-yourself is the answer to the problem. Here are a few suggestions if you are currently unemployed:

TEACHER: You’ve heard of basement offices? Establish a private school in your basement. A lack of light/oxygen and the sight of fake wood panelling is known to induce coma in students. You’ll have absolutely no behavioural problems.

ENGINEER: Your career will take off when you start building bombs in your basement.

WRITER: Be your own publisher. Offer your stuff on amazon.com. I hear from a friend that they throw in 5 give-away days. No, I’m not kidding you. My friend tells me that 700 people downloaded his book for free. How is that for a business opportunity?

Alternatively you could flog your self-published book on a street corner. But think ahead to the winter months and make sure the street corner includes a warm-air grate. Come to an amiable agreement with your local homeless person. He gets to sleep there midnight-7am. You start selling your book during the morning rush hour. You might even get an unemployed poet to take the afternoon shift.

PLUMBER: Okay, maybe there are no unemployed plumbers, but if there are, I suggest public dog toilets in his backyard. And a sideline of illegal plastic bags. Now that the Toronto City Council wants to abolish plastic bags, new trafficking opportunities are bound to open up.  

Which reminds me of another do-it-yourself opportunity. One word to you smokers: Grow-op!

And finally a word to the underemployed
DATER: Forget about e-dates.  Turn your own head to a real person. Use your own brain to formulate thoughts. Use your own mouth to verbalize them. Use your own hands to gesture. Remember you heard it here first: Do-it-yourself dating.

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